A Dictionary for Your Twenties

Joblivion (noun) The endless process of going to interview you hate for careers you don't want. Interviewer: So, tell me a bit about yourself. You: I am a people person. Interviewer: And how do you think you will benefit the company? You: I aM a PeOpLe PeRsOn.

Interviewer: I see, and tell me exactly why you would like to work for Macgyver's Shit Sandwiches, Sandwiches Made of Authentic Human Shit. You: [Deep beath] Well, FXCK!!!!!!! Life Envy Bumping into someone from school and ask them what they do now. And they say something like:" I am an architect, or a doctor, or I can actually tie my shoelaces etc. And they ask you what you do now.

And you spontaneously claim to be an astronaut, or the Queen's personal funk advisor. But what you've really been doing in the last three years is Sitting in a dark room, and crying, and eating pies. Or take time to be 'ALIVE'. Beer-vana A sudden certainty after drinking large quantities of alcohol that you CAN fix your life.

And all you need to do is Learn the guitar, or buy a cattery, and STOP flushing letters from the debt collection agency down the toilet without reading them. Come on! Grow up! JUST BUY. A FXCKIN' SHREDDER! Dip- pression The sudden and overwhelming conviction that there is NO caramel core to life. And you'll probably spending your rest of days in a state of quiet confusion.

Then again, you've got loads of unopened pots of hot sauce in the fridge more than those take-away pizzas. So things are looking up, baby!  (/)/ Rupert This is a small creature who is invisible, and starts whispering stuffs in your brain somewhere around the age of twenty-five. Helpful comments to the effect of "Aaaa, video game and pornography again. Another successful Wednesday! Dad is gonna be REAL PROUD NOW!!!" Grimsomnia The nighty ritual of trying to sleep.

Just when you're about to thrift off, you suddenly recall every embarrassing thing you even did in high resolution. Brain:" Hey! I know you're tired, but remember when you wrote out that short but anatomically specific rant about checking yourself for testicular lumps, but you've opened the wrong window on your phone, AND ACCIDENTALLY SEND IT TO YOUR ELDLY PIANO TEACHER?" "Haha, good times! It'S fiNe, sLEep nOw! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Survival of the Shittest This is the principal that every time you look up bellends from high school, you will inevitably find that they are now exceptionally rich and living fulfilling lives and you will feel nothing but boundless good will towards them. THE TOTAL CUN- Nihilism Gatherings A few years ago you would've called these "Parties" But now they consist people you age gathering in a room and attempting to look at you while they consume titanic volumes of alcohol Occasionally, one of them will lean over you and whisper: "Dyou know what the fckck you're doing with your life?" And you reply: "Not a clue." And you both pretend that didn't happened.

The Professor This will be someone at the party who has read at least half a Wikipedia article on the chosen subjects and will insist on hijacking said party
to bang on about it. And by golly, I hope you are interested
in the miracle of Kombucha, or the revolutionary tactics
of Napoleonic military strategy. Because that's all you'll be FUCKING listening to now The Great Decline The nearer thirty gets, the more it becomes apparent that your teenage body wasn't actually the default setting. That was a temporary super power.

And now, for some reason, pounding Schnitzerling chocolate cake
will actually lead to weight gain and trying to recreate the five day parties of yesteryear may will threaten a cheeky touch of sudden death. That's Very Interesting A phrase you will catch yourself saying just over 14 thousand times a day, since you're now over the age when telling people to fuck off will get you ostracized or fired Suburban Gourmet A unique brand of cooking you will developed from the comfort of your own kitchen, including: A wrap with crisp in it, Pot Noodle  l'orange, and for dessert, why not Half an oreo you found behind the fridge? And maybe a spot of hysterical crying. Uhhhehhhehheh A noise that could mean yes or no that you will make frequently in response to questions that you should know the answer to but you are now too old to admit to not knowing. So, what's your pension situation? Uhhhehhhehheh And what actually is a raisin? Uhhhehhhehheh And, how have you managed to live in your overdraft for the last twelve years now? Uhhheh...Hheh.......Heh The Five Stages of Aging Grief 1.

Denial I'm not turning thirty. 2. Anger There is NO WAY I'm turning thirty! (><) 3. Bargaining God? You listening? _(:)_ If you stop this from happening, I'll stop writing love letters to Richard Dokins and maybe entertain the idea that you actually exist.

4. Depression Sometimes when you look into your thirties, your thirties is looking to you And finally concluding in, 5. Denial (again) FUCK THIS! I'm moving to Canada! Emigration Threats In occasion fantasy you have on a bus
that if things get really bad, well, you'll just move to Canada. Because you could almost count
to three in French and you kinda always want to go to a
Maple syrup bar with an elk.

The Rage Gaze When you meet someone in their
thirties, forties, or above, and you bang on how old you are
about to get in twenty-eight etc. And they silently fix you with a stare that says: "I would sell my eyeballs on Ebay to be
as young as you again, your ungrateful little shit muffin." Glud or General look of underlying despair which is a smile you can wear at all hours of the day to signal that you've died inside several years ago now but the rot hasn't quite reach your outer body yet. And finally, Chucklet. This is when your mother phones up
to see about how everything is going, and you know she desperately want to hear you say: "Well, I'm finally settling down and I've decided
to join society as a functional human being." And instead you say: "Yeah, I've been working on a poorly-constructed Youtube video about words you might need to know in your twenties, and I spend most of weekends trying to play trumpet with my bottom." And she makes a small noise that sounds like Uhhhehhhehheh and mentions that maybe she will call back again next year Mom: "Also don't forget that you've on
the planet almost three decades now and achieve literally nothing of worth.

Speak soon then! :)" [Music, the good happy one].